Feeling Blessed In The Bahamas! Read More

I had the most bizarre conversation with a friend of mine the other day while at the movies.    Just as the previews were beginning she leaned in and said, "you're not going to believe what I did yesterday.  I got a Brazilian at the wax place down the road."  She was right, I didn't believe it.  I responded (using my 'Are you crazy?' voice)  "You let a total stranger see your entire business area just so you didn't have to shave for a few weeks?"  She replied, "Really it's no big deal.  It's just like going to the doctor."  To that I remarked, "W.T.H.?????" Read More

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've been a cookie eating machine since the Girl Scouts brought out their new line of tasty treats on Valentine's Day.  I've plowed through 6 boxes!  But, it's not my fault.  I blame it all on the cute little kids in my neighborhood who came knocking on my door, as well as my neighbor Quanda who is a Cookie Mom.  For those of you who don't know what a Cookie Mom is, let me explain.  A Cookie Mom is the person in charge of distributing the boxes of cookies to all the other moms for their children to deliver.  Which means, the C.M. has hundreds of cases of cookies stored in her home or garage.  In my defense I only ordered 4 boxes from my neighbors kids, and I used the majority of two of the boxes during my Redneck Dinner Party when I crushed them up into a Chocolate Jell-O Pudding Pie, but then I caved in and called Quanda for more when I was sick a couple of weeks ago. Read More

I am the queen of bizarre dreams, to the point where I even contacted a dream analyst and paid to have interpretation done, so I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me or if bizarre dreaming is normal for others. Maybe I have normal dreams but just don't care to remember them, I don't know.

One of my most memorable dreams involved me being fixated on a zit on my chin. In my dream I was looking in the mirror and poking and prodding this tumor zit I'd named Tina. Then, finally, I popped it and my face unraveled! 
 
The dream analyst woman said that I was considering change in my life but procrastinating. Read More

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that, every day, someone asks me if I've ever been married. When I say no their facial expressions lead me to believe they think I'm a freak of nature. Because of that I feel the need to add, "but I've been proposed to 7 times!"- which is also true.

7 proposals. 1 yes. 1 guy who came to his senses in time to prevent us both from making a mistake. Let me explain.

First of all, the proposals: (and the names will be changed to protect the innocent!) Read More

First let me say that I have some amazing friends who I feel blessed to have in my life. Next I'd like to add that those same amazing friends are also a collective pain in my rear! Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a sign that reads "Nag Me" because of all the constant, unsolicited, "helpful" advice they gift me.  

My friend Tammy is a sweet heart who'd do anything for anyone- include spend four hours with me on a Sunday teaching me how to cook! She also believes a person needs to wear clothes that fit them like a glove, and she never hesitates to express her concerns over my ill fitting attire, every single time I see her! In her defense, though, I admit that I used to wear jeans that I could literally slide out of at night without even unzipping. However, after hearing about my saggy butt, and not just from Tammy but numerous friends and family members, I did break down and buy smaller sized pants. Apparently, though, they're just not small enough!  

Here's a side note for anyone wanting to join the Commando Only Club: You have to wear pants that allow for room to breathe. I little give in the waste, a bit of room in the thighs, and then you can comfortably go Commando.  

Now I'd like to introduce you to my friend Michelle- single mom extraordinaire who seems to do everything with grace. She thinks I need to buy a bikini to wear to the pool this Summer. Did I forget to mention that Michelle is 4'10" and weighs 90 pounds? The last time she brought up the subject I said, "I'm a grown ass woman with some meat on her bones! There is no way I'm putting my rear into something small enough to be worn as a hat, or an eye patch depending on the type of suit! No way!" My pool wear consists of either a tankini with shorts or a tankini with grandma skirt. And, when I have to get up and walk around I put on a coverup or wrap myself in a towel. Do I sound like the type of woman who would buy a bikini? No! And Michelle knows that so she constantly mentions it in order to get a rise out of me. Maybe I should buy a string, THONG bikini and pose for photos while wearing it. Then I can email the pictures to her with a subject line that reads: "Be careful what you wish for!" That'll teach her- and I mean that with love, of course!

Tina moved here from Germany and I can honestly say I hit the jackpot when she and her hubby moved into the hood. Not only did I gain a great new friend with a super cool, laid back temperament and great personality, but also because her hobby is baking and she's been hooking me up on cheat day. SCORE! However I had to put Tina on the Nag list because she thinks I need to get my belly button pierced. She has a belly button ring, and even left it in while she was pregnant so she doesn't understand my aversion to the idea of belly bling. This is when I break out my "I'm a grown ass woman" speech! If I'd done it when I was a teenager then it would be acceptable. But I have too much common since to put jewelry in my belly button when it could get caught in my jeans (now that they fit) and possibly snag on my workout clothes. And what happens to a belly button ring as a woman ages? I would imagine it stretches your belly button out and makes it sag. Trust me, I've got enough sagging on my body as it is and don't need any help in that department!

As for Laura...where do I even begin. She is kind, giving, and funny and by far one of the strongest women I've ever met. She's a breast cancer survivor who has been through hell and back over the last year and has made it through with a lot of dignity, class and humor. All that being said, Laura is at the top of my Nag list and is a ROYAL pain in my rear! She not only agrees with Tammy, Michelle, and Tina but has designated herself my daily reminder of their mission at hand. She'll email to ask me how my show is going and in the middle of a sentence she'll plant a subliminal message. Read More

That's right- ME.  And, boy, do I have some stories to share!  First off, keep in mind that my profile reads: "CREEPERS NEED NOT APPLY!  NO OFFENSE BUT IF YOU'RE A PERVERT WHO ONLY WANTS TO GET INTO MY PANTS- NO THANKS.  NICE GUYS ONLY PLEASE."  So right off the bat I'm attempting to let would-be suiters know that I'm not on-line for a hook up.  I really
do want to meet someone to date, get to know well, and possibly resulting in a committed relationship.  All that being said I'm guessing the men who wrote the following must not be able to read. 

(Their profile names have been altered slightly to protect their identities.)

From CutePuppyClt:  "I think you're completely hot and I'd love to see you tonight.  Call me!"  I received that around 11 p.m. on a Friday night.   Hmmmm.  A Booty Call?  Let me think about that...NO!

IAmHuge wrote:  "I'm 6'6" and built like a tree and hope to give a special lady some wood one day.  Are you interested?"  A tempting offer indeed but I just had to pass.

Then RedRover sent this quickie to me:  "Call me" and included his number.  Mind you he'd never written before or even bothered to send me a wink so I was practically tripping over myself to get to the phone- in his mind!

I really loved hearing from NakedGuy:  "We need to get to know each other right away because I'm going to a convention in Vegas the beginning of June and I'd love for you to join me."  I looked on-line to see what convention was going on in Vegas in the beginning of June and it's a NUDIST CONVENTION!  DELETE!!!!!!!

Finally, JustBill wanted to share his beliefs with me:  "Dear Kelly.  I believe in the small of a woman's back, great Scotch, and that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone".  Even if that is a line out of a movie it's still a disturbing way to introduce yourself to someone.  No thanks.

The good news is that in the 10 days I've been on-line I have had two dates with two very nice guys.  They were complete gentleman but I, on the other hand, may have frightened them both with my open and honest nature.  Date #1 seemed to jump a bit when I hugged him hello, but I have never met a stranger so it never dawned on me that a hug could shock someone.  When I first sat down with Date #2 and he asked how my day was I replied, "Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the throat? Not hard enough to seriously injure them but just enough to stun them?" His eyes popped out of his head which made me think that I should have said, "It was great, thanks for asking!"  But glossing over the truth has never been my style.

Kel Read More

It took me four days, a total of 5 hours, and two different mowers to finally get my quarter acre lawn mowed last week. How, you ask? Let me explain.

I first attempted to mow my lawn on "Manual Labor Tuesday" using my 8-year-old, non-self-propelled, non-mulching hunk of junk mower. I'd just managed to struggle through two passes in the backyard when it conked out on me, which caused me to have a mini-meltdown. Keep in mind that even managing to mow that small area was a huge feat, and physically exhausting, because I practically dislocate my shoulder, as well as a few ribs, every time I have to start the darn thing and then have to put all my weight into it in order to use it. (Ironically I'd bought it because I thought it would make for a great workout. I am a ding dong, I know.) When it conked out on me on Tuesday I just couldn't take it anymore so I hopped into my car, went to Home Depot, and bought a new self-propelled, mulching mower. I felt a little guilty spending the money then told myself, "Kelly Ann. This is why God created credit cards." Yet, by the time I got home with the mower the sun was setting so I decided to wait and have "Manual Labor Wednesday" in order to finish.

After work on Wednesday I was super excited to unveil my shiny, red, Toro, with the fancy bag on the back- the kind that I see my neighbors using in their yards and I felt very proud. I had a smile on my face as I got it out of the box and read the directions. I'd managed to put the handle in place correctly, and then the bag, and I even read about how to put the oil in gas in. I clearly read that it was dangerous to overfill the oil so I poured a little bit in, and checked the dipstick, then a little more, and checked, etc. I wanted to be very careful and do everything right since it's my brand new shiny red Toro! Once I saw a little bit of wetness at the full line I tried starting the mower and it started on the first pull. I was overjoyed!

I began "Manual Labor Wednesday" with a hopeful spirit and a new love of working in the yard- then immediately noticed that grass was flying all over the place and even up into my face. I really couldn't imagine why that was happening, there was a bag on the back after all so why wasn't the grass going in there? Well my neighbor Greg came over and said, "Kelly. You need to read the directions. You didn't put the bag on correctly." At that point I realized I was too busy looking at the pictures in the instruction manual to REALLY read the entire thing. With Greg's help, and my hopeful spirit a bit deflated, I resumed mowing the front yard.

SIDE NOTE: Using the bag on the mulching mower sucks. You have to stop every couple of minutes to empty it and it's messy and takes forever. It's a week later and my allergies are still recovering. Epic fail! That's my opinion of the mower bag!

But I digress. So I managed to finish mowing my very tiny front yard in an hour and a half. Then I pushed the mower over to the back yard and attempted to finish there what I'd started on Tuesday but the mower wouldn't start. I checked the gas, put more in, and the mower wouldn't start. I checked the oil and thought there was enough in it, but the mower wouldn't start. So then I started crying and pushed my shiny new, red Toro back into the garage, went into the house and hopped into the shower, then put on my pajamas and proceeded to drink wine.

Thursday I didn't get home until after dark so I spent a little time reading the mower directions while watching TV and decided to resume Yard Work Hell on "Manual Labor Friday".

Friday afternoon around 4:45 I decided to read the manual ONE MORE TIME, just for grins. Luckily that time I noticed the little notation in small print and in parenthesis about the maximum amount of oil allowed in the mower. 22 ounces. I looked at the bottle of oil that came with the mower and it only contained 20 ounces. I sho Read More

When I first signed up for on-line dating I really thought it would be the key to me meeting someone nice who might end up being a keeper. Although I have met and chatted with some nice men, the majority of guys emailing me are absolute nut balls or creepers!

Don't take my word for it. I just received a message from SexyB which read: "You MUS ( no type-o here. He spelled must, M-U-S) but I digress "You MUS has some gold in your pants seein' as how everyone wants to get in 'em". Was that a question? Does Mr. Country McBumpkin' Pants WANTS to go and get us a cup of coffee? How do I respond to that? I don't.

Then there's JustTryMe who wrote: "I'm looking for someone. Not something. When you are with the right person all you see is a halo." To that I say, "WTF?!"

And would you get a load of HotLUVR. His email read: "When can we meet?" No, "Hi. How are you? What do you like to do for fun?" Holy Moly.

Moving on to Mr. StayingPut who asked me if we could chat. I said, "sure". Then he asked how to get a hold of me. I responded, "Well, just like this. By email for now." Haven't heard from him since. Why would I give some guy I've never emailed, or met in person, my private information? Scary thing is it's obvious other women have.

I've also had some of my girlfriends check out the guys I've been matched up with and all of them have recognized several of the guys as being on the service for years. Did they have bad luck, go away for a while and then come back, or are they serial daters? Regardless, I'm not judging them- I'm just planning to avoid them.

So, for now, I'll stick with casual dates with the nice guys and save the nut ball and creeper email for you. Sharing is caring! Read More

I gained 3 pounds recently, due to my judging duties during the Taste of Charlotte, so I told myself that I couldn't have a cheat day until I got back down to my comfort zone again. When I mentioned the slight gain to friends and family they all responded by saying, "but it's just 3 pounds!". To someone who used to weigh 215 pounds in High School, gaining 3 pounds is a much bigger deal than you'd think.

I started getting healthy and fit after graduating college when I was working for a radio station in New Hampshire and began endorsing Nutrisystem. At the time, the program included nutritional counseling and group therapy- which is how I learned about my binge eating disorder. I learned about triggers and how to avoid them and, with the help of Nutrisystem, I finally had the tools I needed to lose weight and keep it off for 20 years (and counting). It hasn't been easy and I've had my ups and downs (thanks to numerous surgeries and early menopause) but by following a few simple rules anyone can lose weight and keep it off.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a nutritional counselor I'm a weight loss "survivor" and I want to share my methods for maintaining my weight in hopes of helping someone else.

1. Understand that maintaining a healthy weight takes some effort, and that the method you used to getting to your goal weight- whether diet pills, diet shakes, a nutritional program, workouts, or surgery- are simply that; methods to achieving results. You are on your own keeping them.

2. Once you lose all the weight you need to lose you MUST continue to eat a healthy and balanced diet at least 5 or 6 days a week, allowing yourself 1 or 2 cheat days- and you need to get active. If you hate working out you can go for a walk 5 days a week. Even cleaning the house or working in the yard can count as activity. Just get your body moving, and keep it moving.

3. One of the best things you can do is keep a food diary. You may need to continue to keep the diary for several months or even years after achieving your goal. It all depends on how much weight you lost, how many years you spent being overweight, and how severe your eating disorder was. I kept my food diary for 15 years. I was a binge eater because I'd suffered a childhood trauma and losing 85 pounds did not make my problems disappear. So I kept the diary until I felt stable enough emotionally to go without it. ****Remember to log your daily activity in the food diary as well. Calories in, calories out.***

4. DO NOT weigh yourself. Once you're at a set weight, keep track of how you're doing by how your clothes feel. If they start to feel a little snug in the thighs, or a little too fitted in the waist, then get the scale out.

5. Know that it's normal for weight to fluctuate within a pound or two. If you step on the scale and you're 3 or more pounds over your set weight you need to take a moment to think about what you've been eating and how your workouts have been lately. Then choose a solution to your problem before it gets out of hand. For my 3 pound gain I am upping my cardio workout from low impact to high for the next two weeks, and I'm not allowing myself bread or desserts on the weekend until I lose what I gained.

6. Get control of the weight gain before it becomes 6 pounds or 10 pounds or you might get discouraged and give up on all the hard work you've put in.

Bottom line: Be totally and completely honest with yourself about how you're treating your body. An overweight friend of mine said "I don't get it. I eat salads all the time yet I'm still fat!". In reality, when we go out, she eats a salad with full fat dressing and a mini-loaf of bread on the side, three beers, and then orders a piece of cake for dessert. Then she goes home at night and writes "salad for dinner" in her food diary and leaves out all of the other stuff. Denial makes you fat.

Keep up the goo Read More